I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
