her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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