I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
