Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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