So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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