but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
