R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
