No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
