This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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