U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
