I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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