if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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