My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We need to get me chipped asap
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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