Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
