Just cropdusted the office
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
