Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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