it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
