I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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