I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
