Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
