Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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