I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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