i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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