I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
