I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
This is the high leading the old right now
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
