I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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