she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize