I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
