who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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