I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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