Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
