You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
