This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
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