pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
