i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
