i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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