She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
