If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
