Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
