hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
