a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
