There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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