So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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