Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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