He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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