The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Ladies don't puke and tell
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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