What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
