I cut my penus on the lid.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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