Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
