Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
