Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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